Friday, July 1, 2011

Roller Coaster Ride!

I use to love roller coaster rides.
Up and down.
Sad when they were over.

This week has been a roller coaster ride of life.
Today marks the 8 year anniversary of my first born.
She was born and gone in the same moment.
It was a gut wrenching experience.
One that has changed me forever.
I remember the day as if it were truly yesterday.
Something so tragic doesn't leave you ever!
The pain does lessen with each year.
But the memory of my baby girl never goes away.
I am glad about that.
I think of sweet Caylin everyday.
Not in a morbid way, but in a motherly way.
Around her birthday I think about the 'what if's'
What if we were celebrating 8 years of life here on earth.
What if she were a dancer.
What if she looked like me or jeremy.
What if... what if... what if!

Instead I do get to say...
She gets to spend her birthday in the arms of Jesus.
She gets to only feel the joy of her heavenly Father.
She gets to run and play.
I am okay with those thoughts.

While I still get sad here on Earth...
We get to meet her one day in Heaven.
We get to know that she is better taken care of then we could ever have done.
We get to tell our children that they have a sister in Heaven.
We get to have the comfort of our Jesus surrounding us, telling us he loves us!

I have also been thinking about the little life inside of me this week.
On Monday I had my very first ultrasound.
The tech had a hard time finding the baby.
Once she did she said, "the baby is only measuring 6 weeks."
I should have been 9 weeks.
There is a chance we could be off with dates.
But there is a chance that the baby has stopped growing.
I have had two blood tests this week.
The doctor wants to check my hormone levels to confirm if
this pregnancy is in fact still growing or if it has stopped.
I should find out today.
Out of all the days in the year. I will find out on Caylin's birthday/anniversary.
I am so nervous.
This week has gone by extremely fast and God has given me a peace all week.
I should be getting a phone call within the next few hours.
I will update you with the news when I find out.

*UPDATED* Just got a call telling me that my 'numbers' are not supporting this pregnancy. So now we wait to see what my body does.